Imagine this: your relationship has been going well until you said that one thing.
You know the one, the careless remark made in the heat of an argument that slowly festers into a major issue, eventually threatening to undo everything you’ve built together.
Couples who know how to argue productively are far more likely to stay together. On the other hand, those who never argue or engage in destructive arguments that can tank the relationship need to brace themselves for the reality of starting over on dating apps.
So, how do you avoid saying the wrong thing? Thankfully, relationship experts have weighed in on what you should steer clear of saying, so you don’t have to guess.
Speaking to iNews, a group of couples counselors shared a list of 10 things you should never say to your partner.
“You’re Taking This Too Far”
Congratulations! You’ve just minimized your partner’s feelings and tried to invalidate their emotional response. It’s rarely productive or helpful to tell someone they’re over the line when they’re expressing their feelings.
According to chartered counseling psychologist and Counselling Directory member Jeanette Fegan, telling someone “you’re overreacting” essentially means you’re dismissing their feelings and telling them their voice doesn’t matter.
She suggests, “Instead of making dismissive statements, approach the situation with curiosity to understand why your partner said or did something, so you can gain a deeper understanding of each other.”
Fegan also cautions that saying something like “you’re overreacting as usual” crosses into gaslighting, as it frames your partner as someone who constantly overreacts, undermining their emotional experience.
“You Prioritize [something/someone] Over Me”
This is a painful remark that could severely damage the connection between partners. Life coach Lorena Bernal explains that it risks invalidating the love your partner feels for you.
You don’t have the right to decide how much someone cares about other aspects of their life, nor should you rank their feelings. If you’re feeling neglected or sidelined compared to another priority in their life, Bernal recommends expressing your feelings without resorting to blame.
“You Don’t Pay Attention to Me”
If your partner truly never listened to you, the relationship likely wouldn’t have lasted, right?
Bernal points out that this statement is “inherently hyperbolic and inaccurate,” meaning it’s an exaggeration that sets you up for an argument that’s hard to defend. By saying this, you’re likely to make your partner defensive, which isn’t helpful. Instead, try expressing your concerns in a more constructive way by asking for a proper conversation to work through what’s bothering you.
“You’re Wrong – This Is Absurd”
When your partner comes to you with a concern or suspicion, you might feel tempted to dismiss it as unfounded or wrong. However, relationship coach Heather Garbutt emphasizes the importance of understanding how your partner is experiencing the situation, even if their conclusions aren’t accurate. Simply telling them they’re being ridiculous will shut down the conversation and won’t help address their feelings. Instead, focus on empathizing and guiding them through their thoughts.
“You’re Bringing Up the Past Again…”
Bringing up past mistakes or conflicts during an argument is a surefire way to create tension, as it turns the discussion into an attack rather than a problem-solving conversation. If you’re trying to argue effectively, focusing on the present issue at hand, rather than dredging up old grievances, is key. By reminding your partner of every past misstep, you create an environment where they feel constantly scrutinized. As life coach Lorena Bernal explains, this can erode trust and security, as it feels like their past mistakes will never be truly forgiven.
“I Knew This Would Happen”
We’ve all been tempted to say it at some point, but the “I told you so” moment is never as satisfying as we think it will be. Neuroscientist and behavior expert Eldin Hasa points out that saying this can come across as patronizing, implying superiority, and undermining your partner’s self-esteem. This can cause unnecessary stress and make your partner feel unsupported, which in turn can drive a wedge between you both. It’s better to avoid this phrase and focus on compassion and understanding instead.
“You’re Acting Like a [Insulting Name]”
Once those words are out, they can’t be taken back, and calling your partner names is one of the most damaging things you can do in an argument. It’s not just about the insult, it’s about how it can make your partner feel unsafe and undervalued. According to Fegan, it’s essential to express your feelings with empathy and use language that shows you’re taking ownership of your own emotions, rather than attacking the other person. Insults only breed hostility, which can slowly erode the foundation of your relationship.
“I’m Not Interested in Hearing This”
Shutting down your partner when they try to communicate can lead to emotional distancing and create an unhealthy gap in your relationship. As Hasa explains, brushing off your partner’s concerns does nothing to resolve the issue, it just leaves them feeling unheard and unsupported. Ignoring their feelings might give you temporary relief, but it doesn’t fix anything, and only adds more distance between you. Instead, make an effort to listen, even when it’s uncomfortable, to show that you’re truly invested in resolving the issue together.
“Why Can’t You Be More Like [Someone Else]?”
This statement turns your relationship into a comparison with someone else, and it implies your partner is falling short. If you’re constantly measuring your partner against someone else, they might begin to feel inadequate and wonder why you’re not with that perfect person instead. According to Fegan, this can lead to feelings of not being “good enough” and trigger people-pleasing behavior, where your partner tries to meet impossible expectations just to feel validated. While this might get them to do what you want in the short term, it will ultimately lead to resentment and damage the relationship.
“If You Don’t Do This, I’ll Leave”
Issuing an ultimatum is a dangerous move in any relationship. Though it might seem like you’re emphasizing the seriousness of the situation, suggesting you might leave is a dramatic and hurtful tactic that can create unnecessary fear and insecurity. Fegan calls this a “toxic” approach, as it puts your partner in a position where they feel like they must walk on eggshells, afraid that any misstep could lead to the end of the relationship. Ultimately, threatening to leave may very well push the relationship toward that outcome, even if that was never your intention.
